Friday Funny

I love this today!

Chapter One

...in which our heroine lands herself in

a very indelicate position.

“This is entirely beneath me,” Charlotte muttered under her breath as she lowered herself to her knees. One should never be on all fours if one was angry. It felt wrong to be in the position of a supplicant when what she really wanted to do was blow through that door and smash a plate over the head of one insufferable Lord Durham.

     “Where is the blasted man?” she muttered again as she strained her eye to catch a glimpse of the scene inside.  A short burst of laughter, deep and masculine, came from stage right, out of peeping range. Ah. They were in front of the fire, then. She gritted her teeth. This made the third consecutive week that her brother had returned home from his Wednesday meeting with that scoundrel. 
     “We’ll just retire for a game of backgammon and to have a tot,” Lord Durham had said in a deceptively bland tone tonight as he had shut her library doors—hers!—in her face. “Manly things, you understand.” She rolled her eyes. Yes, so very manly. As if anyone could envision the infamous Lord Durham having a "tot" of spirits. Tots were for elderly aunties. That odious man was sure to swig straight from the bottle. 

[Charlotte's Mayfair townhouse]

~~~~~~~~~~~~

There it is, blogsters! 

A wee preview of The Book. 

Thoughts? 

Critiques, if you please!

It's 2011 and I:
 * am writing a book (halfway done!)
 * have started wogging again (not quite running yet)
 * chose my word for the year. "Unstoppable."
 * try not to curl into the fetal position every night after a 
    long day with a busy toddler
 * challenge myself to blog every day
 * need a night out. Tonight. (any takers? females only, please.)


 * This makes me happy. 

Fa La La La La...Fell into the Toilet

I am happy to report that the stuffing of the fourth grade take-home folders yesterday was uneventful. I pulled it off without a hitch, due largely (totally) to the fact that the toddler stayed home and, instead of wreaking havoc upon the 4th graders, wreaked havoc in his natural habitat.


December has been a flurry of activity and mishaps. Treat making, house decorating, advent activity-ing, gingerbread cookie-ing, hand slicing, burning hot melted chocolate in aforementioned wound...


(yes. I spilled 3,000 degree chocolate over the cut on my sliced-up finger. It was like a twisted Freddie Kreuger Hallmark Movie.)


...errand running, to-and-from Idaho road-tripping, Christmas cards in the Costco shopping cart leaving, English toffee making, sick children nursing, in-laws for a week visiting, basketball game-ing, guitar lesson-ing, Chili's Night with friends celebrating, boys haircutting, Christmas plays at school watching, visiting teaching, birthday partying, game nighting, HOUSE CLEANING (which lasted for 2.5 seconds), list-making, freezer dinner flurrying (I made 10 dinners and stocked my freezer), present wrapping, almost-getting-my-power-shut-off panicking, card addressing (someone turned my cards into the Costco info desk when they found them abandoned in a cart), phone in toilet dropping (Jack strikes again)....


...lots of that kind of stuff.


Sadly, I do not have any photos to add to this documentation because I take pictures with my phone. 


The same phone that was kerplunked into the toilet by my toddler. 


The same toddler that is now for sale. 

Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing

Every Monday morning I show up bright and early (9:20am), dressed to impress and cheery as can be (sweaty running clothes and slightly groggy) to do the Monday Folders for Isabelle’s class at school. It is my job to stuff the childrens’ folders with approximately 217 papers each…sign-ups for the school play, classroom weekly newsletter, PTA reminders, and the like.

This is a great gig because for 30 short minutes I can monitor Isabelle’s behavior, get a read on her social skills, shoot the occasional evil eye at the classroom bully and eavesdrop on the teacher.

Yesterday, for the first time, I took the toddler. 

Yesterday was not a great gig.

I thought surely Jack would sit in the reading corner, happy to experience a bean bag for the first time, read a book and watch the students. He did! For about three minutes, until he spotted Isabelle. Evidently, Jack did not understand this is where his big sister disappears to every day.

         “Sis!” he shouted happily, and ran to her desk.  He wanted to sit on her lap, explore the wonders of her (messy) desk and chill with the boys on either side of her.

Pretending to be invisible—which I was not...all 24 kids were highly amused—I patiently dragged him back to the beanbag and plopped several engaging books in his lap.

Jack again escaped to her desk, I pulled him away, got 2 papers inserted into folders, Jack escaped again, I pulled him back…you get the picture.

Finally, he pretended to just stay on the beanbag. Until I turned my back and was lulled into complacency, stuffing maybe a grand total of 3 folders. Then he quietly got off the beanbag, sneaked around behind me THE LONG WAY, behind the teacher’s desk, and then ran full speed to Isabelle—watched by 24 children with bated breath.

         “Sis!” he called, “Hewwp!” (help) The class erupted in laughter—of the Little Rascals variety. (someone please tell me you know what I mean by that.)

Meanwhile, I was DRESSED IN LAYERS. And I had forgotten that the school keeps the thermostat at what surely must be 940 degrees. We were providing quite the entertainment—and I was getting sweatier by the moment. Steam was coming off my head, from heat and toddler-induced grizzlement.

Somehow all the folders got stuffed, while I was trying unsuccessfully to stifle my exasperation, and I sped over to the cubbies to throw all the folders into the kids’ respective slots and get the crap out of there. 

It was at this point that Jack discovered the recess bin. The bin that holds all the 4-square balls. The balls that bounce really high. And make a loud, echo-y “BOING!” noise.

         “BOING!”

         “BOING!”

         “BOING!”         

“BOING!”

         “BOING!”

         “BOING!”

Seriously, no less than six balls were sent bouncing in quick succession all over the classroom like pinballs. With ensuing Little Rascals laughter.

I tossed the few remaining folders on the teacher’s desk and got the heck out of there. Straight to McDonald’s, where Jack got an ice cream (don’t judge my negative reinforcement) and I downed a XL Diet Coke in 37 seconds flat.

And my final thought is this: Good thing Isabelle's class had a substitute that day. 

My new BFF this week.

Plagarizing Myself

I've been feeling a void in my life lately.  
     "What is missing?" thought I.  "What could be causing this inner emptiness?" I gave it some deep thought. Asked myself the tough questions.
     "Do I need to shop my woes away?"  
     "Have I not had a Diet Coke lately?"
     "Am I lacking some aspect of spirituality that will restore my inner peace?"
     "Perhaps take an inventory of my mothering skills?"
     Why, oh why have I not felt completely myself? After mulling this over, it came to me that...

I need to blog again!

Churning out my daily thoughts onto my blog helps me process my life and stay more cheerful about it. 

So. 

I may not have been keeping up my blog, but I have been blurbing inanities on Facebook. I'll cut & paste some of my status posts below, if only to prove to myself that I have, indeed, been alive and doing things. Here we go. (I'll insert commentary in parentheses.)

Sept 6

"Off the wagon." 

(I thought I'd try to cut down the copious amounts of Diet Coke I drink.)

 ~~~~~~

Sept 8

"Back on the wagon."   

(Good try.)

~~~~~

Sept 9  

"Um, off the wagon. Again. And now I need some chocolate to accompany my caffeine."

(Got some flack for this one.)

~~~~~

 Sept 22 

"I love it when you finish a book and let out a huge, delicious SIGH because it was so good."

(One person commented that I'd also feel this way when finishing a rousing game of "Halo." I'll leave it to you to decide if that commenter was MALE or FEMALE. Snort.)

~~~~~

Sept 23

"Helping with Mimi's field trip...I need a Diet Coke." 

(The photo speaks for itself.)

On the bus with a herd of wild 1st graders.

~~~~~

Sept 26 

"My new favorite running song! Especially for a girl (me) who tweaks out to marching bands!"  

("This Too Shall Pass" by OK Go. I really do think I will love this song forever.) 

~~~~~

Oct 4

"Where's the f-ing Calgon?" 

(Not my finest hour. I posted this at 6pm; it had been a realllly long day.)

(I got censured by my mother publicly on FB for this status. Sigh.)

~~~~~

Oct 5 

"I think I'm in over my head."

(I was T-5 minutes from the start of Boot Camp for Runners. In retrospect, I definitely WAS in over my head.)

~~~~~

Oct. 6

"So. Tonight I went to Boot Camp for Runners. Everyone there looked great in spandex and were all trying to improve their times and endurance for marathons. I, on the other hand, looked like a contestant on The Biggest Loser as I was attempting the regime."

(Seriously, if you can picture what the very L A R G E people look like on "The Biggest Loser" show when they are being pushed to their absolute limit--that was me. While, I might add, all the OTHER runners looked like they were from "Chariots of Fire.")

~~~~~

Oct 6, later that day... 

"I am so sore today that I look like a zombie when I walk...."

(No lie. I couldn't bend my legs. Every muscle hurt. Even my throat muscle hurt. I saw a friend at the grocery store who exclaimed, "You really are walking like a zombie!") 

~~~~

Oct 6, much later that same day...

"It's close to midnight and something evil's lurking in the dark..."

At the "Thriller" performace with my partner-in-crime friend, Ali

Oct 14

"D"

(Accidentally posted the letter D as my status. Got 45 hilarious comments.)

~~~~~

Oct 27

"I'm choppin' broccoli."

(I really was! Every time we have broccoli for dinner, I sing that song--sometimes under my breath, sometimes LOUDLY.)

~~~~~

Nov 3

"The mother in "Mommy Dearest" no longer seems so crazy to me. Actually, I can totally relate to her."
(A surreal night of chaos at kids' bedtime. There are no words.)

~~~~~

Nov 4

"A little r&r with P&P."

(Some down time with Mr. Darcy.)

~~~~~

Nov 5

"I'm at the park with kids and keep hearing a rustling sound behind me. Suspicious that a dog or something is sneaking up behind me, I keep whipping around--to see nothing. Yeahhhhh, turns out that rustling noise is the sound of falling leaves."

(It happened just like that. Falling leaves were making seemingly loud crunching sounds as they plopped onto the leaf pile under the tree. Creeped me out.)

(**In my defense, I was totally alone at the park. Except for the 2 toddlers with me--and how could two small babies protect me from a Wizard of Oz-esque tree???)

~~~~~

And there we have it. My borderline turrets blurbs from facebook. Tune in tomorrow for a real post!